“Step right up, ladies and
gentlemen! That's right, don't be afraid; there's a spot here in
front, young man. Step right up!”
SEE treasures from around the world!
EXPERIENCE the wonders!
HEAR the lack of pinging noises!
Er, what? Oh, didn't I mention?
Welcome to the wonderful world of car shopping, where your every
dream will offered to you, your every whim catered to, all for a low
monthly payment and little to no interest down.
I was recently informed by my mechanic
that my car had about as much chance of lasting through the summer as
would an ice cream bar left out on the porch swing in August, with
about the same result if I was to risk it. Not wanting to be inside
of my car if it were to happen to unceremoniously melt while
attempting to hit cruising speed on I44, I reluctantly entered the
world of automotive wheels and deals.
“Reluctantly,” because I rather
liked my car (I grow attached to things like that, even when the
passenger door doesn't work, the engine leaks fluids like a Jonas
Brother leaks tears, the suspension is shot, and the ignition only
works fifty percent of the time). “Reluctantly,” also because I
have a tendency to buy the first shiny thing I see when it comes to
cars, rather than getting what I've always wanted: a Jeep or a
convertible.
Since I have no willpower, I knew I'd
be susceptible to the wily machinations of the car dealership
barkers. I just KNEW I'd be ending up with a two-door sub-compact
with an 8-track player where the radio was supposed to be.
Even with that foreknowledge, though,
I wasn't expecting the circus.
The first car dealership I dealt with
played a version of a Carnival Midway's Three-Card Monty, except
instead of shuffling cards around so you don't know what is what,
they used salespeople. I talked to no fewer than four of 'em (and it
might have been five -- they started to look alike).
Salesman 1: Let me talk to my
supervisor about that.
Salesman 2: I'm that guy's supervisor.
Here's a deal. Wait, let me let you talk to my boss.
Salesman 3: I'm that guy's boss.
Here's a deal. Wait, let me get my manager.
Salesman 4: Hey, I'm that guy's
managers. Here's a deal for you. Wait, who offered you what,
earlier?
Salesman 1: I'm scared.
The second dealership I went to used
the disappearing salesman trick (perfected by Houdini in the 20s).
The standard practice in car shopping is that there is a price
stickered onto the car (generally on a piece of pastel-colored
cardboard cut out into a “starburst” shape, possibly even
including one or more exclamation marks, like so: DEAL! LOW MILES!
MORE EXCLAMATION POINTS THAN CARS ON OTHER LOTS!!!!!). The dealer
comes out and says, “Yeah, that's what we've got on it. But what
would you like to give for it?” Then, when you tell him, he says,
“Okay, let me go talk to my boss about it.” He does (or pretends
to, anyway), then comes back and says, “ I can't come down that
low. But it's a slow day, so here's what I can do for you: we can
meet somewhere in the middle.”
At this particular dealership, I made
my offer, but since the “boss” was in a meeting, the salesman
told me he'd give me a call when they'd talked it over.
It's now been over a week and though
I've been waiting by the phone, I'm beginning to suspect that I won't
be getting that call.
The third place I went (okay, really
it was more like the fifteenth) was some distance out of town. I'd
seen a car posted on the dealership's website and had arranged to
test drive it. I went down, drove it, made an offer, was surprised
that the counter-offer was pretty close to what I'd asked for, paid
for it, and drove my new car off the lot; well, drove my used car off
the lot.
I didn't even have to step in any
elephant dung on my way out of the dealer's office, or have to try to
fit me and my friends into a teeny tiny clown car.
Deal of the century.
*
The author's “new” car is a 2002
Chrysler Sebring convertible, the most inexpensive and ubiquitous
convertible on the highways. But he still likes it. If you would
like to send him pictures of your own Sebring convertible, please do.
["The author's new car, Frannie."]
