[In the interest of avoiding
litigation, the author and the editors would like to note that they
are not responsible for any stupidity that might result from reading
one of the author's columns. As far as the scientist polled (1) are
concerned, reading the author's columns cannot result in reduced
intelligence, although watching reality shows may have that outcome.
Thank you. -- eds.]
Fire Marshals train all year for this
-- the Fourth of July. The standard coverage in this training
includes exhaustive seminars on the dangers of turkey fryers (which
are prone toward spontaneously falling over and catching decks and
sides of houses and pets on fire); the dangers of burning brush in
your downtown backyard after three weeks of drought and high winds
(which is prone to catching decks and sides of houses and pets on
fire); and the dangers of trying to avoid burning brush in your
downtown backyard by method of burning brush in your fireplace (which
is prone to .. well, you get the idea).
There is also the training on the
DANGERS OF FIREWORKS!
The following, as I understand it from
the numerous interviews I've heard with Fire Marshals on various news
outlets (sandwiched between clips of squirrels water skiing and the
news anchors complaining about the weather), are the DANGERS OF
FIREWORKS!:
-
Filled as they are with gunpowder,
fireworks can explode unexpectedly. Perhaps even when you aren't
looking. Perhaps even when you didn't think you had any fireworks.
-
If used indoors, fireworks can
cause breakage, and/or fires, and/or injuries to your plasma screen
TV, and/or sulfuric-smelling smoke that may or may not set off the
smoke alarms that you haven't changed the batteries in for the last
four years.
-
If used outdoors, fireworks may
hit low-flying birds and/or aircraft. If the latter, you may or may
not spend the next few years in a Romanian prison (depending on
whether or not Guantanamo Bay has been closed at that point). If
the former, beware of retaliation; carry an umbrella.
-
Tying fireworks onto the tails of
pets or farm animals is wrong and could result in claw or goring
injury to yourself or your loved ones. Tying fireworks onto your
sister is probably okay.
-
As most fireworks are made in
China, buying them may harm the U.S. economy and therefore make you
unpatriotic, defeating the whole purpose of the Fourth of July.
To counter these dangers, Fire
Marshals recommend the following:
-
Wear goggles. These will impair
your vision and allow you to use this as an excuse later when you
claim you didn't know the armor-piercing pop-bottle rockets were
pointed at the propane tank beside the house.
-
Don't try to re-light fireworks
that you previously lit but that just went “Sphiiiittttt” and
didn't do anything else of note, despite the fact that you can see a
little nub of fuse sticking out of the side of the firework in
question (at least you can if you take off your goggles), and
despite the fact that the bloomin' thing cost a lot of money and
you'd really like to see what a “Multi-color Dancing Wind Dragon
with Spirals and Loop-de-loops” looks like.
-
Don't point roman candles at other
people, even though, yes, it might be a lot of fun especially if
they're pointing roman candles back at you.
-
Don't hold lit fireworks.
-
Don't swallow lit fireworks.
-
Don't make your friends swallow
lit fireworks.
-
Don't light your fireworks near
the turkey fryer that you've placed in a big pile of brush right
next to the side of your house. This could be bad.
There's a good chance that if you
follow these rules, you won't have any fun (and you might suffer heat
stroke from all the armor you're wearing), but you also won't get
hurt and you won't hurt any of your friends, enemies, or your
friends' and enemies' farm animals.
Or you could just do what I'm going to
do this year: go to a professional fireworks show and drink iced
drinks while watching someone else spend all the money, do all the
work, and risk all the dangers.
You won't even have to wear goggles.
*
The author cannot recommend tying
fireworks onto your sister. He tried it once and your sister didn't
much care for it. The author, in fact, had to hide out in Guatemala
for a while. You've been warned.
[Photo Caption: Fireworks, duh.]
