If ice skating has any redeeming qualities, I'm not sure what they are. Television and the movies make ice skating seem so…fantastical. When the made-for-each-other couple go on their first date, they go to the local skating rink or to the local frozen-over parking lot, strap on some skates, and glide merrily around, laughing, spinning one another and generally having a good time. (This assumes that the television show or movie isn't set in the Gobi Desert, in which case the laughing, spinning around, and generally having a good time involves less ice and more camels).
Sure, in these programs there is often a moment of awkwardness. One or the other of the couple will be new to the art of ice skating and has to windmill their arms around for the better part of a half-minute before they get the hang of it and is able glide effortlessly around the rink (or frozen-over parking lot). Before the effortless part there may even be a fall (Gasp!). Likely, though, the other person will catch them before any serious harm is done, or they'll both go down in a heap on the ice, laughing. This will shortly segue into the couples' First Kiss. The mittens make the scene cute.
Then there's the Ice Capades. These folks used to travel around putting on performances (on ice, duh) to crowds of dozens. Back in the 1940s, when the Ice Capades were founded, there was a lot of falling on the ice. But it was on purpose: gangsters who went out to see things like the Ice Capades apparently liked the slapstick comedy; they also liked girls in skimpy outfits, because in addition to the falling, there was a lot of skimpy clothes action on the ice, too.
Now, with Disney doing most of the Ice Capading, the skaters spin around the rinks wearing costumes, some bulky (See Mickey and Minny Mouse), and some with the short skirt aesthetic of yesteryear (See Cinderella and High School Musical on Ice). Whichever, they still make it look so very, very special: there's the gliding, there's the jumping, there's the spinning, and if there's any falling, well, that padding in the costumes comes in handy.
When I went ice skating for the first time the other weekend, there was mostly just falling. When the falling wasn't taking up my time, I actually did get in some gliding. A word of warning: the plexiglass walls that surround ice rinks don't have as much give when you glide into them as you might think from watching hockey players smash into them during violent hockey game action.
Nope, not much give at all.
The biggest problem was my initial cockiness. Back in the olden days when I was a kid (we'll say, oh, ten years ago…no, better make it fifteen; nobody'll believe ten) I was pretty good at roller skating. I could go forward, backward, in circles, in spirals, in loop-de-loops, and all of it while still holding onto my root beer float. Later on, in my college years (we'll say, oh, five years ago…erm, make it six) I switched from roller skates to roller blades. Despite a few tumbles into nearby ditches early on, it didn't take long before I was going forward, backward, in circles, in spirals, in loop-de-loops, and all of it while holding onto my cell phone.
Thus, I joined my friends at the rink thinking, "Gee, ice skating can't be that much different than roller blading. Heck, if Scott Hamilton* can do it, surely I can, too."
Not so much. Refer back to the above-mentioned falling, gliding, and walls.
My friends' less-than-three-year-old child was doing better on the ice than I was (to be fair, his mom was doing a lot of the work). Also, and I don't know if anyone has mentioned this, but ice is COLD. Especially when you're sliding along it on the more tender parts of your anatomy while -- because the day outside was a bright, sunny warm one -- wearing shorts.
Okay, I take it back; ice skating does have lessons to teach: it gives me a new-found appreciation of camels. Also: always pack mittens.
*Scott Hamilton: Olympic gold medal winner, Ice Capade skater, and guy who proudly flaunts his baldness but really, really should get a toupee.
