Everyone knows about thezombiepocalypse. That's the day when, for whatever reason, thezombies finally rise up and start wandering around looking for gooddeals and “braaaaaiiinnns!” at JC Penny's. There are countlessmovies, books, and television shows that warn us of this comingapocalypse.
For instance, George Romero's “Nightof the Living Dead” movies imply that a passing comet (or possiblytoxic waste; some of the later movies aren't so clear) causes thedead to come to “life” and start wandering around like drunkenbachelors at a Vegas casino, hungering for that half-price graymatter that you just can't buy at the corner 7-Eleven.
There are movies about nazi zombies(“Dead Snow”), zombies that live in the sewers (“C.H.U.D.”),humorous zombies that aren't that different from us (“Shaun of theDead”), and space zombies (“Astro Zombies”). In fact,according to a quick check of the Internet (Motto: Making All of UsZombies Since 1996) there are over 350 zombie-themed movies.
This doesn't, of course, include theinnumerable books (okay, I'll numerable them: 30,876 available to buyfrom Amazon.com), or musicals about zombie chickens (“Poultrygeist:Night of the Chicken Dead”).
What I'm getting at here is that we'reprepared for the zombiepocalypse. One of those books you can buy onAmazon.com is even called “The Zombie Survival Guide.” So we'regood there. Grab a baseball bat or a shotgun and don't let 'em biteyou (hey, that's probably good advice for whenever you're going tothe water park in August, too).
But it doesn't necessarily work forthe mannequinpocalypse.
“Mannequinpocalypse?” you ask. Ofcourse you don't know about the mannequinpocalypse. Zombies havebeen getting all the headlines. But, as we saw in the 1987 movie“Mannequin” (starring Andrew McCarthy and Kim Cattrall),mannequins – those overtaxed store dummies that the corporateoverlords use to flaunt the fashion-of-the-day, can also come aliveand start wandering around JC Penney's looking for good deals andpeople to kill (though, unlike zombies, mannequins aren't as keen on“braaaaaainnnns!”). True, “Mannequin” is a romantic comedyand so it doesn't convey the true horror of being stalked by aninanimate object (although it does convey the horror of being stalkedby Kim Cattrall), but it does send a warning.
To learn about the comingmannequinpocalypse, we have to turn to other sources. There was anepisode of the 1970s tv series “Kolchak: the Night Stalker” wheremannequins came to life and started offing people. The first episodeof the new “Doctor Who” series on BBC featured living mannequins.There was a later episode that had living statues, which sort ofcount. Be careful, though: the movie adaptation of Stephen King's“Maximum Overdrive,” which is about cars and trucks that come tolife because of radiation from a passing comet, isn't really the samething (neither is “Killdozer,” a 1974 movie about a bulldozerthat, erm, kills).
There're puppets and/or dolls thatcome to life in the “Chucky” movies, the “Puppetmaster”movies, and anything with Keanu Reeves in it. “Young SherlockHolmes” and “Twilight Zone: the Movie” had mannequins ormannequin-like baddies in them at one point or another. And, ofcourse, there are the robots – but they're kinda different. Probably need to classify those under the robotpocalypse.
Anyway, zombies have been theheadliners, but if we think that a spiked baseball bat and a scowlare going to get us through the mannequinpocalypse, then we've gotanother thing coming. No, when the mannequins rise up, we're goingto need more firepower. Maybe a chainsaw (at least a hacksaw), andprobably some lighter fluid.
Be vigilant. Be prepared.
The mannequins are out there ... andthey're tired of wearing dress slacks and jaunty hats.
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The author has a mannequin in hishouse (it's art, so don't give him a hard time about it) and so hasbeen watching movies in preparation for when it tries to attack him. He recommends (well, not really) 1979s “Tourist Trap,” starringpeople you don't know.
[Photo Caption: "The author's mannequin, which will almost certainly come to life soon and try to kill him."]
