The recent cyclone in Myanmar may have killed more than a hundred thousand people. A few days ago, a quake in western China killed at least 12,000 and possibly -- probably -- more. Tornadoes ripped through the Midwest again. There was a volcanic eruption in Chile. Mudslides in Mexico. Wildfires, again, in California. Going back a couple of years there was, of course, Hurricane Katrina, which proved to even the most optimistic of us that, yes, Virginia, even parts of the United States can be reduced to the state of Third World countries in a matter of days.
Global warming is headlining the news, the Internet (motto: Bringing You the Best in Natural Disasters Since Pompeii), and even advertisements ("We of [insert name of megauberpowerful oil conglomerate here] are thinking toward the future and making the world a greener place for your grandchildren").
It's obvious, isn't it?
The End Times are nigh.
Since there seemed to be no question about it, I decided that I'd better start preparing myself for Armageddon (the apocalyptic one, not the movie starring Bruce Willis and the daughter of that guy from Aerosmith). I figured I'd need more than some duct tape and a few gallons of potable water, so I did some research.
Handy Apocalyptic Factoids:
1: In the Jewish belief system, the End Times are heralded by the defeat of all Israel's enemies, the building of the Third Jewish Temple in Jerusalem (presumably with a Starbucks nearby), and the Revival of the Dead (See Zombies for more information). All of this will lead to a big fight scene directed by Peter Jackson (or possibly Steven Spielberg) after which peace and harmony will reign everlasting.
2: In Islam, the End Times are presaged by a whole torrent of signs. Among others, it will be hot in the winter and cold in the summer (I knew Australia was a precursor of the End Times -- I KNEW it). A journey of a few days is covered in a matter of hours (airlines have this one covered…wait, maybe they don't: ask anyone who has tried to travel anywhere for Thanksgiving how long it took them). Offspring (kids) become a cause of grief and anger for their parents (See? I keep telling people that children are evil, but no one listens). These among many others. Sunni and Shia Islam both mention the resurrection of men and women (more zombies).
3. Christianity has Revelations, which gives us a few signs of the Apocalypse. There are trumpets involved, a battle, and, yes, the raising of the dead.
4. Rastafarians (the folk from the Caribbean with the long hair and psychedelic clothing) believe that there will be a battle, after which the righteous will be taken back to Africa to live in Mount Zion in peace, love, and harmony.
5. Some Native American beliefs seem to imply that the Apocalypse involves a meteor or a comet falling to earth (so we're back to Bruce Willis again), as well as the prophetic birth of a white buffalo (three of which have been born since 1994).
6. The Mayan Long Count calendar ends on 21 December 2012, a date that many people argue marks the End of Days. Or possibly the Mayans got tired of buying five-thousand-year-long calendars at the market.
Few of these beliefs agree on every point, but there are many similarities. Many indicate that after the trying times of the Apocalypse there will come a time of peace and prosperity, or a movement into a new world (whether it be spiritual or physical). Many indicate that the dead will rise.
Therefore, I believe the most prudent course of action is to prepare for a zombie-based Apocalypse. I just ordered "Zombies for Dummies" from Amazon.com, and I've rented every George Romero "Dead" movie ever made.
I'm certain that these steps will prepare me for the coming End Times.
Okay, almost certain.
The author would like to say that he wrote the above with tongue firmly embedded in cheek and has no desire to be placed on anyone's jihad or burn-at-the-stake lists.