Here we are, at that time of year when we begin considering what we're going to do with all those multi-colored sweaters and wool socks we'll get for Christmas, and preparing our livers for those New Year's Eve parties we've all been looking forward to. At least, I know I've had my lampshade hat ready for several months now.
But it's also that time of year when we get to look back over the previous twelve months (aka 52 weeks, 356 days, or 525,948 minutes, or 31,556,926 seconds, or if you're the average American -- this may or may not apply to you if you are the average Venezuelan or Norwegian -- 1600 lbs of garbage) and see what we did that was interesting, noteworthy, or possibly illegal.
For me, the list includes such dubious distinctions as: 1). Learning that Southern California spontaneously catches on fire on a regular basis, 2). Discovering that I no longer get seasick, but now get motion sickness whenever I try to play “Spy Hunter” on my Playstation, 3). Waging an ongoing guerrilla war with the squirrels that have taken up residence in my attic, 4). Becoming a Japanese top fighter aficionado, and 5). Finding out that 9% of keyword searches used to find my online blog included the words “Cheapest Hong Kong Hookers.”
It's been a good year, though. I have a lot more free time now that I'm not playing “Spy Hunter”, and the squirrels and I have declared a temporary armistice.
The end of the year is also a time to look forward. Sure, it's been a rough 31,556, 926 seconds for the country -- we're still at war, the housing market is still ridiculous, the economy is still a sucking pit of despair, and Paris Hilton is still getting airtime on television -- but with a new year comes new hope (which is not a reference to the Star Wars movie of the same name).
We have a new president, for one. And although not everyone might like him, agree with him, or have wanted him in office, you'd probably still have lunch with him if you got an invitation. More importantly, it shows that the US system of government is still, essentially, functional. Sure, there's bribery (See today's top news stories on the evening news if you don't know what I'm talking about), corruption (ditto), and a certain amount of incompetence (again, ditto), but we as a country have a political system that allows us to elect those who govern us without fear of having someone shove a gun in our faces if we don't vote the way they want us to. That's better than, well, darn near everywhere except for Canada, New Zealand, certain members of the European Union, and Texas.
Another thing we can be looking forward to as a country is the weather. Currently, outside my door, it's 20 degrees (Fahrenheit -- what, you think I'd actually use Celsius in this column?). But there's hope. According to scientists, movie stars, Bono, and the Internet (motto: Bringing you random conspiracies and debatable scientific theories since 1986), our world is in the midst of GLOBAL WARMING (I'm required, by law, to put GLOBAL WARMING in caps whenever I use it in a sentence). Although this might possibly result in the melting of the polar ice caps, the flooding of all coastal cities (alas, Amsterdam ... why! why!), and the ironic freezing of England, it will also result in higher average world-wide temperatures. Thus, according to my calculations, the Midwest, where I live, will become the new Caribbean and as a consequence, the value of my home will increase 3000-fold.
Warmer weather and the end of the housing slump? Can't beat that.
Finally, we can also look forward to seeing how many of the predictions that people will be making in the next few weeks will actually come true. Then we can make fun of the ones who were wrong.
The end of a year is a time of nostalgic melancholy as we look back, a time of hopeful anticipation as we look forward, and, in the end, a darned good reason to throw a party.
Thanks for the good times, 2008, but 2009 is knocking on the door and I've got to go let it in.
The author would like to thank all of his readers for making the last 34 columns (and the 187 before that) a heck of a lot of fun to write. Happy Holidays!
[Below: Better than before.]
