This New Year's I pledge: not to eat too much. Not to eat too little. Not to eat all my friends' food. Not to let my friends eat all of mine. Not to prepare only food that has the same sugar content as an episode of Oprah. And not to eat at any restaurant that features a psychotic king, a maniacally happy clown, crazed red-haired pig-tailed girl, or rabid talking dog as a mascot.

In addition, since there are plenty of resolutions not involving food, I vow: to exercise in direct proportion to the number of admiring glances women direct at me. Not just to flirt with my married friends' wives (since that's nice and safe), but also to flirt with unmarried women (which is never safe). To convince my friends that no, really, it's okay to set me up with someone…as long as they're brilliant, stunningly pretty, and a fan of terrible Sci-Fi Channel movies (such as the never-in-fear-of-winning-an-Oscar Ice Spiders, Alien Apocalypse, and my personal favorite -- which isn't a Sci-Fi Channel movie but ought to be -- Skeeter). And, since no list of resolutions regarding dating would be complete without it: not to stalk anyone I happen to fall head-over-heels in love with after knowing them for only five minutes.

I am also resolute on the following: I shall not buy the newest electronic toy just because Best Buy is having a 10% off sale. I shall not purchase new attachments/addendums/gaming systems/remote controls/audio decks for my TV. Okay, I shall at least not purchase too many of the preceding.

I shall buy only DVDs that Ebert, Roeper and/or one of those other guys that replaced Siskel has given at least one thumbs up to -- or at least ones that aren't in the dollar bin at Hollywood Video.

Very well…at least fifty percent of the DVDs I buy will not be in the dollar bin at Hollywood Video.

Since this New Year is a pivotal election year, I also propose that I shall: get registered to vote. Learn about the candidates, their policies, and anything else that might come up on a ballot. Then I shall actually go and vote. After which I shall NOT go on a violent rampage with a baseball bat when my candidate doesn't win.

I also vow not to believe everything I hear on TV news programs, read on the Internet (motto: Bringing YOU the best in mis-information and junk e-mails since 1974), am told by random people passing by on the street, or am guaranteed by the Home Shopping Network.

I promise to be kind to pets, old people, young people, people with bad hair, those with fewer advantages than myself, those with more advantages than myself, and Paris Hilton. Okay…kinder.

I promise to smile more, laugh more, grumble less, and complain hardly ever.

I promise to…to…to

You know, I think that actually almost covers it. Really, I'm feeling pretty good about these resolutions. Last year, I was able to keep every single one of my New Year's promises. If I go back and dig through my old notes I think I can find that list around here somewhere.

Oh, yes, here it is. Last year I vowed: not to make any more resolutions.

Oh.

Well, in that case:

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The author expresses his most sincerest, most resolute-in-ess desire that you have the mostest wonderfulest 2008 possible. He says he also vows not to make up too many new words, but we don't really believe him. He may be contacted at parablehead@yahoo.com or care of this newspaper.