When I tell people what I do for a living, many of them say something like, "Wow, you teach onboard aircraft carriers? That must be sooooo cool." Then they say something like, "I wish I could live on an aircraft carrier; that would be sooooo cool."

Unfortunately, not everyone has the time or opportunity to go out on a "deployment" (that's when a ship and its crew sail off to some hot spot in the world to keep civilization safe and secure -- usually for six months). But there is a way around this limitation. What follows, in no particular order, is a list of things you can do to simulate, from the comfort of your own home, the experience of being on a ship's deployment.

[Eds NOTE: despite trying to pass this list off to us as his own creation, the editors of this newspaper have discovered that the author in fact shamelessly copied and pasted it from an e-mail sent around to the families and friends of shipboard sailors. We have chastised the author for this blatant deception, but he just stuck his tongue out at us.]

1.  
   1. Buy a dumpster. Paint it gray and live in it for six months.
   2. Sleep on a shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain that doesn't fit. Leave the bedroom light on.
   3. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you feel nauseous.
   4. Fill your humidifier with lube oil and turn it on "High".
   5. Only watch TV in the middle of the night. Hold the remote in your hand and turn the set on and off every two seconds. Have your family vote on which movie they want to watch, then show a different one.
   6. Leave the lawnmower, the chainsaw, and the vacuum running in your living room twenty-four hours a day.
   7. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
   8. Wash your clothes in the garbage disposal.
   9. Observe the family's pattern of movement over several days, then when they've established a routine, block off the hallways they use the most and say that these are "Secured until further notice."
   10. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. Each time it does, jump out of bed, get dressed as fast as you can, and then run out into the yard and break out the garden hose.
   11. Assemble and disassemble the lawn mower once a week. Repeat this procedure with every major appliance.
   12. Use eighteen scoops of coffee per pot. Allow to stand for six hours before drinking.
   13. Have a fluorescent light installed on the bottom of your coffee table. Crawl under the table in order to read.
   14. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through.
   15. Put on headphones (there's no need to plug them in). Leaning on a mop or broom, stand in the hallway, blocking access to the bathrooms. When anyone approaches, say "Secured." Stay there for four hours. Do this first thing in the morning and after every meal.
   16. Run into the kitchen and sweep everything off the countertops onto the floor, then scream, "Gear adrift!"
   17. Have a plumber install a mechanism in your shower that prevents you from turning on the hot and cold water at the same time.
   18. Repeat the above, as needed, and enjoy your life as a sailor onboard an aircraft carrier.