Okay, here it is. The score is 110 to 112*, Boston Celtics winning against the Los Angeles Lakers. It's the last ten minutes of the game. Some tall guy goes up for what I believe is called a "lay-up". Another tall guy blocks it. Various other tall guys drip sweat onto the polished, parquet hardwood court (94 ft and 6 inches in length, according to somebody here in the office who knows about such things).

More lay-ups, a few dunks, a 3-point shot from halfway to Cincinnati and the Lakers win it by one point. "Hurray!" if you're a Lakers fan; "Boo, hiss," if you're not).

Next game: The score is 435 to 380**, Los Angeles Lakers winning against the Boston Celtics. It's the last ten minutes of the game. Eight-foot-tall guys do the one thing that eight-foot-tall guys are really, really good at (possibly even without steroids). Celtics win by one!

At this point I put together everything that I know about basketball (teams are trying to score "goals", the ball is called a "dribble thingie", and the players are all nicknamed "Beanpole") and come to a conclusion.

Despite the fact that basketball is played in four fifteen minute "quarters" (which I thought was a different game that was played with beer at fraternity houses on college campuses), it's in the last ten minutes the outcome of the game is decided. That's when the teams make their final push for victory; that's when the fans scootch to the edges of their seats, collective breaths held; that's when the cheerleaders get so nervous that they start dropping pom-poms.

My question then, is this: why not play JUST the last ten minutes? This would eliminate so many hassles on so many levels. The players wouldn't be tired after giving 110% for a whole hour-long game and so they could go out and do more partying at the post-game galas (or on their personal jets -- my understanding is that the average pro sports player makes enough to buy Guatemala). The fans wouldn't have to call in sick for work the next day because they stayed up too late throwing popcorn and corn dogs at one another. And owners of sports arenas could make more money by renting said arenas out for even more activities during the day -- such as tomato wrangling.

[Your weird-sport-of-the-day moment: Tomato Wrangling -- a popular pastime in a certain city in Spain where normally fine upstanding Spaniards in business suits throw tomatoes at one another for an entire day. Proponents (and bookies) speculate that this sport could gain worldwide popularity because of the recent salmonella outbreaks connected to the fruit in the United States -- really, people have to have something to do with all those Juicy
Reds].

Basketball isn't the only sport that could benefit from my proposed ten-minute-rule. I was just watching the Stanley Cup hockey finals the other day (who Stanley is and why anybody would want his cup, I have no idea, but there you are). The game went into triple overtime, turning a simple hour-long elbow-to-the-face-puck-a-palooza into a five-hour marathon of 'H', 'E', 'Double Hockey Sticks'. Five hours on skates (unless you're in the Ice Capades) is just too much. It makes those Canadians and Denmarkese angry. Angry Canadians and Denmarkese are not something that anybody wants on their conscience.

Why not just get straight to the overtime play, where one goal wins the whole shebang? Cut out the middleman. Get out there on the ice and the first team to score wins. If nobody has scored in the first ten minutes, well, flip a coin and call it good.

All those hockey rinks could be freed up for Tomato Wrangling, just like the basketball courts. And heck, why stop there? Football, soccer (also called "football" -- which is just confusing), boxing, baseball, horseshoes, lawn darts, and Olympic curling events could all benefit from this revolutionary ten-minute-rule.

Then, pretty soon, we might all hear the joyous shouting of fans: "Tomatoes FIGHT!"

*Scores have been changed to protect the innocent (and to protect me from having to admit that I didn't actually watch any of these games).

**Approximately.

In the interest of full disclosure, the author has released his financial records to this publication. After an extensive audit, it has been determined that 1). No tomato producers paid him in either cash or produce to write this column, and 2). He does not have enough money to buy Guatemala.