Guam is, if my understanding of the brochures is correct, a U.S. territory. Kinda like the Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico, and Canada.

Oh, wait. Puerto Rico is a commonwealth. My mistake.

There are also "dependant" territories -- like the Panama Canal used to be before the U.S. decided that there were too many mosquitoes and turned it over to a bunch of guys wearing white suits and jauntily-tipped hats. (I believe there were cigars involved, as well, but I'm not willing to go on the record with that).

Guantanamo Bay is a dependant territory. As well as…er, no, according the Internet (motto: Making YOU Dependant Since the Invention of the Google Search Engine) Guantanomo Bay is the United State's only dependant territory. Anyway, what this means is that the Bay can't stay out past 10 p.m., isn't allowed to date any Cuban girls, and will be kicked out of the house when it turns eighteen. It can also be declared as a tax write-off.

But what exactly does being a full-fledged territory do for one if one happens to be one?

For Guam, it means that they get to use the dollar as their primary currency, although by law territories may also use beads or shiny objects as coin of the realm. It also means that they may fly the U.S. flag on Tuesdays and bank holidays. The rest of the time they are required to raise a beach towel embroidered with a skull and crossbones or a margarita, rampant. It also means that they are constantly standing on the decks of their pirate ships, gazing wistfully in the direction of Hawaii, wondering why a bunch of volcanoes gets to be a state, but their own perfectly good beachfront property can't do better than the odd stamp and a notation in the World Book Encyclopedia.

Alas, the reasons for this are obvious. For one, Guam is flat. Flat places (for example: Kansas) are not as interesting as mountainous, volcanic places (for example: Paris Hilton) and thus do not get offered lucrative deals like statehood. (Kansas was only offered statehood because it was in the middle of the continent and the maps would have looked weird if it had been excluded).

Hold on. I'm getting a report from one of my minions…er, investigators…in the field who says… What? Guam has mountains? I didn't see any mountains when I was there: just beaches and a couple of lighthouses on tall rocks. Oh, come on! 1332 feet isn't a mountain; it's a hill. You can't just put "Mount" in the front of something's name and make it a mountain.

Er, you can?

Sigh. Alright, so Guam has mountains. There must be another reason that Hawaii is a state and Guam isn't. Ah, yes, of course: television. Lots of television shows have been set in Hawaii: "Hawaii Five-O", "Magnum, P.I.", "Lost." ("Lost" isn't set in Hawaii, but it is filmed there, so it's the same thing). And, of course, there was "Baywatch: Hawaiin Wedding". If there's anything that can argue for a place achieving statehood more than having Pamela Anderson run down a beach nearly naked, then I don't know what it is.

But of television shows set in Guam: none.

The closest thing they've got is mixed-martial artist* Joe Duarte, "The Hybrid", who has appeared on Spike TV's "The Ultimate Fighter". So it's obvious that…hold on. I'm getting a report from another of my lackeys…er, investigators…in the field who says… What? Not having television shows set in your geographic area isn't a valid reason for being denied statehood.

Are you sure?

Fine.

Must be the flag. Any idea how much money it would cost to put another star on all the U.S. flags in the world? A lot.

So that's it, mystery solved. But I still say that if they can get Pamela Anderson to run down their beaches nearly naked, then Guam has a shot. If nothing else, they could become a commonwealth.

Whatever that is.

* If you are a mixed-martial artist, it means that you can play dodgeball AND tetherball at the same time, but not wiffleball. Nobody plays wiffleball anymore, except maybe in the Olympics.