The question of the day is this: do deer get cold?

Okay, you may rightly ask, “Fine, Mr. Smart Guy, why don't you just look it up on the Internet (motto: Giving you useless facts about woodland animals since 1976)?” Well, the sad fact is that I'm currently Internet-free. It's unfortunate. It's a dark, dark time. It's ... it's ... it's a house without WiFi (for those of you who don't visit Starbucks on a regular basis, “WiFi” stands for “Wireless” ... erm .. “Fi” -- anyway, when you have it, it's an area where your portable computing device, a “laptop” (which is a top that sits on your lap. Er, wait, that's not right) can pick up the all-important signals that allow one to find out useless information about woodland animals).

Back to the question at hand. I was driving along in the late of the night last night when two seemingly independent facts presented themselves to me: Fact 1). it was really, really, really cold. Like angels-ice-skating-on-the-lake-of-fire cold. Like penguins-checking-into-a-motel-'cause-it's-so-cold cold. Like selling-ice-cubes-to-Eskimos cold (wait, that one didn't make any sense. We'll move on). Fact 2): there was every chance that out there in those deep, dark woods whizzing alongside the road, there were deer.

Very likely, these deer were both A). wanting to leap out in front of my car in order to do serious structural damage, and B). wondering why it wasn't summer yet.

So I asked myself, Do deer get cold?

Surely they do.

I have a leather jacket. It's made out of Turkish lamb leather (which, contrary to what the name makes it sound like, is leather made out of Turkish lambs. Oh, wait, maybe it is exactly what it sounds like). When I wear it, it makes me look stylish. What it doesn't do is keep me warm.

This is, I suppose, understandable, since the Turkish lamb leather jacket doesn't come with the insulating wool that the lamb uses to keep out the cold. However, I have another jacket that is made out of seriously thick cow leather (made from, erm, cows). It's fine if the temperature is above freezing and there aren't any animal rights activists around, but if it's colder than that, well, no luck. What do the cows do when it's cold? My understanding is that they go inside of barns. Or it's possible that they just go plug in a bunch of space heaters.

In any case, cows have options. Deer don't. All that deer have are a bunch of trees and a burning ambition to leap in front of oncoming traffic. But ambition, no matter how burning, usually isn't enough to keep a person (or deer) warm on a cold winter's night. And though the trees might be handy enough if you have opposable thumbs and a lighter, they won't do much for a deer.

So, if, as we have determined, deer get cold, then what do they do about it?

Pop over to Wal-Mart and buy some blankies?

Move to Florida?

Huddle together?

Well, Wal-Mart doesn't allow deer in the stores (something about animal rights activists). As far as buying beach-front property goes, have you seen what's up with the housing market? Sure, prices are good if you can get them, but most deer have horrible credit scores (something about identity theft). And huddling together? Really? Huddling together? Like animals?

Oh, right.

Yeah, okay, that's probably what they do.

Well then, what about geese, moose, and animal rights activists? How do these creatures of the wild stay toasty? I'll just have to wait to find out until I have access to the Internet again. Meanwhile, I'm off to buy a blankie.

It's possible, but not likely, that no animals were harmed in the making of this column.

[Below: Either these sheep are well-prepared for cold weather, or they're trying to corner the wool market.]

[Below: Later, this deer (don't ask too many questions) will be trying to wreck the author's car by jumping out in front of it.  Right now, he's just cold.]